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At a loss for words my voice keeps being heard, a common echo. My thoughts start dancing trying to keep up with your truths. My battle is strong, stone upon branches that are loose. Standing strong is not an option but my only savior. If heaven does not come soon, will it come later? Holding on to eternity. Looking onward, past the loss of all I had left. Confessing to all these sins and all the theft.

Friends......What a topic right we've talked about hurt and how much life sucks we've talked about how much we suck as a human race so now we all friends right. I've had many friends and I've lost most of them. but I'll never forget any of them and will never hold a grudge. i love all of these people I'm going to tell you about and everyone of them play their own part in who i am today. 

This is my best friend of 11 years lynnie and the godmother of my daughter. We met because her boyfriend was my boyfriends brother. No matter the guy's and all the years she's always been there for me. i hope she can say the same about me. We grew up together we've dealt with all lifes thrills and chills.  There's no one who i trust more she's an inspiring person.

 Brandon kelly,Bk, baby killer,the bb&bb champion. I love brandon he is the most easy going, thoughtful, up for anything at anytime person i've ever met. We've had really good times and made amazing memories but unfortunately the bad took over. I miss bk i miss the person i let myself be when i was around him. I wish one day we could make amends but until then i'll always think of him.

"If my music's too loud your too old" kyle nelson. What can your really say about a person who wore green pineapple cargo caprices, pink bandannas, and arby's work shirts years after unemployment? Nothing bad people have problems and differences but i hold no grudges and hope the best for you.

My Gipsy! this is my friend and ex coworker monica i love her to death. our since of humors clicked instantly. nothing was off limits i love someone who can take a rude joke with a smile. I helped monica plan her secret wedding and will always feel honored she ask me to go to the porn store with her before the wedding. i miss you monica and wish you all the luck in the world.

Sindey you dog!!! this man can drink you under a table dance your shoes off and design you some treads like no body's business. This man is one of the most entertaining people to be around. I am honored to call you my friend i love you sidney!

Grudge or Glitch?

Why do we as human minds hold on to everything? I don't care if you dis agree because your lying. Everyone does it just some people hold on to it tighter than others. It's this Constance battle in my head I don't want to feel hate and negative thoughts. But I have let them invade my life and I can't find out how to get them to go away. Sometimes I feel as if violence is the only way and I just want to beat it out of myself. By hurting the people I am mad at. Underneath it all I know that it would only hurt the situation and, make things more complicated. I feel as if  I have this permanent glitch in my head that keeps going right back to negative thoughts. So is there some sort of wiring in my head that hooked up wrong? Or is it just me holding on to hatred. Only god knows, I hope one day I can train my mind to just let stuff go. Until then I ask you this, If they legalized murder for a day who would you kill?

Tug-AHHH-War

So life throws some pretty interesting curve balls. When you think your all alone in the would people start to come out of the woodwork. People who you never forgot and really can stop thinking about. Then on the other hand there's him, The "man" you know is a mistake, but you can't help but think if he's really telling the truth this time. Then your stuck "what do i do?" Who freaking knows! I don't know anything anymore both of these paths seem impossible. How do you just move on, and think everything's going to be perfect after a year of lieing and cheating. How do you just forget, and try to start over with somebody new hundreds of miles away? How do you do anything with a three month old and no job! Sometimes evaporation is meant for humans! I want everything to be perfect, but it's never going to be. I want him and i also want him. I've missed him but i love him! Praying helps but god never answers me. Maybe I'm just not hearing him right, or at all for that matter. I am just going to sit back and enjoy the ride! What ever happens, happens i'll be fine.

Till "blank" do we part...

Hello everyone and what a beautiful MLK day right? It started off with my brother in law wanting to take my car to the ghetto to go "rap" with his Spanish friend. He said that's how they celebrate the man. C'mon I think that's the last thing MLK had in mind. Wait on the other hand I can here him now "I have a dream that one day people of any color can pretend to have the rhythm of a black man". Yeah that is way more believable i should of let him go.So now that I've covered the holiday and racism all in one paragraph we can move on. Let's talk about commitment. Yeah i said it can you see the elephant in the room? How do you know when your ready to settle down, how do you know your making the right choice. Does the right choice make you ready, or will you always strive to be a wild animal? I think it's a little of both, I feel like the right choice could possibly make you ready. On the other hand just because you were ready then it does not mean you will feel that way forever. We're constantly evolving quote's from deepak chopra "we constantly are shedding ghost".  I am not the same person i was ten years ago I am not the person i was ten minutes ago for that matter. You don't have to be ready forever. Maybe you want to have another chance at love, maybe you want a way to feel youthful again ether way do it for yourself.

Getting to know your "self" conscious

How do you know who you really are? Everything that you experience in your life makes you who you are. So your first best friend, first love, first c.d you bought everything. After all of these things how could you ever know the real you. Most people you can fit in to a category something like "preppy, surfer, jock, gangster". But how could anyone just be one of those? Everyone is not who they seam I'm differently not. I could be a part of everyone of those and more I'm everything! I just wounder if that's only because of all of my own experiences. Is it the same for a person that grew up in a stick household. Someone who never heard a different genera of music or someone who never saw that movie or went to a few party's. Can it really be what you see is what you get? I don't think it can there's so much more to me then anyone could just guess by a glance. I'm all my mistakes, regrets, accomplishes and so are you. So knowing that how could we ever find someone to spend the rest of your life with? You want someone that makes you happy someone that can relate to you. Since everyone is so different and comes from so many different back rounds how could we find one person to be everything your looking for. Your every relationship you've had everything you love about every person that you let get close. How could you find someone that's all of those things you've experienced and everything you haven't? Do you look for all of that? Or do I just want to much is it to much to ask to love everything about the person you going to be with forever? So now we've gone from how do we know who we are to how do we know who anyone is. Personally I don't think there's any way to know anything. It's human nature to lie and with all the humans and all the lies how do you know what anything is.

Self inflected wounds

So to jump start this wonderful new year I have to look forward to, I am starting this blog. I hate when people try to tell you their whole life's store in five minutes. Then expect you to know what their talking about, so I am not going to do that to all of you. If I mentioned a name I am sure it will come up again, and you will eventually catch on. There are so many things in life that cause us pain. I believe we let all of those things get to us, and we are really the cause to all of our hurt. If we could just learn to separate ourselves from it, and not let it get to us then we would one day be happy. It sounds so easy right? It's not, I can't do it you can't do it. You can believe the impossible but it will not make it reality. I can sit here all day and tell you that my car runs on skittles. With even the best argument I can't make it true. Wouldn't it be great tho.....the ozone would be covered in sticky fruity goodness, the wars would be at candy factories, obesity has to go down with all the sugar we would be using. Same train of thought it would be nice to pick and choose what if anything upsets us. So you say "what do i do?" the sad honest truth is nothing. You can't stop your brain from what it wants to think about. The only thing you can try is finding your drug of choice. I use the word "drug" and all of you gasp "do you mean she wants us to start shooting narcotics". Sure if that's your thing then go ahead but I didn't mean it that way. Your "drug" can be ANYTHING food, t.v, music,sex, boos, so called "illegal substances" anything. We are only human we look for whatever brings us pleasure. If we didn't we wouldn't have such a "high" substance abuse problem in this country. We also wouldn't have so many obese people and alcoholics. We would have shortages of back-gammon game board's and sold out tickets to David hasselhoffs new remake of Baywatch. We don't want to go to work or listen to your mother-in-law bitch you out, but you know what you have to. That's life and sorry to tell you it sucks!